I am sorry to those of you who have been trying to get a hold of me on my phone, but I am not answering- for obvious reasons, I think. But I greatly appreciate the love and support. I am in a state of shock and confusion today. Ian called last night saying he had thought it over and he missed us so much that he wanted to give it another try. My heart leapt and then it crashed again- we're obviously going to have a trust issue for a while. After a lot of prayer- and priesthood blessings- I've felt pressed upon that I need to forgive him, that I should return. Just not right now.
So I've set a tentative date for later this week to return to Idaho and stay with a friend while doing a "trial run" with Ian again. We'll see if the Lord agrees with my decision or if I need to push it back farther. I have been extremely comforted by His overwhelming love- I've felt the evidence of it in my heart, enveloping my soul, and through friends and family around me. Everyone has been amazing- doing anything I ask, no matter how big or small, to make things a little smoother for me.
In my prayers and priesthood blessings I have been told that everything happens for a reason- even things like this. I very strongly agree- I only hope that it means Ian and I can work things out and be happier, better people because of it. But if it turns out the other way, I know that I'll be okay- because I have not been forgotten. Last night I felt like no one loved me because my husband supposedly didn't love me. But I have been shown over and over that it's not true- I'm surrounded by love. And even if I wasn't, I have my Father in Heaven's love- and my Savior's love.
Through everything I have been through in my life, both past and present, I sometimes forget that there is someone who knows EXACTLY what I'm going through- He suffered through it for me, and He suffers through it with me now. I ask again for your prayers- this time not only for my family members individually, but as a whole. I ask for prayers on our behalf so that we might all know what the Lord wants us to do- that we can do everything on our part to repair what needs repairing, and to forget what needs to be forgotten.
Serra has been great through all of this- I know she can sense that something is wrong, and she notices that Daddy isn't with us. But we've stayed with Aunt Paige without him before, so she might think it's just another vacation. She is such a good girl- and I love her with all my heart! Because of her, I am able to smile- I have at least something to look forward to in the future, just by being her mother. I also felt a definite kick from the baby yesterday- something Serra never did [she just turned and rotated, she never actually kicked out]. I'm so excited to find out what gender the baby is in a couple of weeks! I'll make sure to spread the word and share updates as needed.
Feel free to leave comments, send emails, or leave voice messages- I will get back to you as soon as I'm able.