It seems like every time I think everything is going to be okay, I get slapped across the face. I took Serra to her dance class and arrived home to the realization of the nightmare I've been living- and apparently avoiding. Ian told me he is done, he doesn't have any feelings for my anymore- that he doesn't want me to talk him back into it again. What could I say? I couldn't try talking to him about it because I would be "taking him back into it". The truth of the matter is that Ian let himself "fall out of love" with me, if you will- there is another woman. So last night after he delivered the news, he helped put Serra to bed for the last time and we started packing up all of my belongings- and Serra's. Later today we'll finish and he'll help drive the U-haul down to Lehi, Utah for us to stay permanently. I am still so shocked that he wouldn't give us as much of a try as I think our marriage deserved.
If you've noticed it's 3:30 in the morning- I can't sleep. Too many thoughts are running through my head. Too many emotions to sort through. I have had a lot of people reaching out to me- several I didn't expect. And some that I hoped I would never need to count on. But I am sending out a declaration to everyone- anyone reading this- that I need your help! If you're in Utah, please come see me and Serra. If nothing else, it will give me a reason to shower and get through the day. If you don't live in Utah, give me a call- I'm completely open this time and in need of as much love and support as you can throw at me! My entire life has been turned upside down- I can't even fully explain the depths of sorrow I feel. I'm worried about Serra and all the impacts this will have on her- and my unborn baby. Serra is such a sensitive little girl- every time she's seen me crying she wants to give me a hug, says she's sorry and that I'll be okay. I just don't know if her apologies are generic or if she believes she's the reason I'm crying.
I'm scared to start over when everything I've been doing for years has built me up for a completely different life- a life my husband says he no longer wants. I'm worried about the impact this will have on my sister who I'll be living with- and on everyone else who'll give us aid. I'm worried about how things will play out with Ian's family- a family I've considered my own for the last several years. And I'm scared about what this will do to me. When each of my parents died, I closed off a part of myself and didn't let as many people in to my heart. I don't want to become a bitter old woman with a rough life.
It's just not fair that we can feel so differently about "us". Even with how much he has hurt me, I'm still in love with him- and he supposedly has no feelings for me anymore. Not even enough to shed a tear while packing up everything. Not even enough to say he's sorry for what he's doing to me- and our children. It's like Ian is gone and an uncaring, unfeeling monster has taken over his place. Everyone is telling me that I'll be okay- eventually, maybe I'll meet someone else- someone better. I don't even know how to respond to that. I chose Ian for a reason- I thought it was because we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, not because I needed to learn a tough lesson.
I'm trying so hard not to look down on myself. Not to wonder what I did wrong- or what's wrong with me. But it's hard when he's telling me he doesn't love me anymore and clearly doesn't care about any of this. The truth is, I do blame myself- for not loving him as much as he needed me to. For not showing more of an interest in his interests. For not working harder to look and be better. For not being a better wife- and mother. I want so badly for all of this to go away- but it's never going to. I'm wandering all alone through my own personal hell and can't find the exit.
Today is a busy day. I hope that I can hold out- that I can be strong for Serra. Now I just need someone to be strong for me.