Thursday, January 7, 2010

It's Done

It seems like every time I think everything is going to be okay, I get slapped across the face. I took Serra to her dance class and arrived home to the realization of the nightmare I've been living- and apparently avoiding. Ian told me he is done, he doesn't have any feelings for my anymore- that he doesn't want me to talk him back into it again. What could I say? I couldn't try talking to him about it because I would be "taking him back into it". The truth of the matter is that Ian let himself "fall out of love" with me, if you will- there is another woman. So last night after he delivered the news, he helped put Serra to bed for the last time and we started packing up all of my belongings- and Serra's. Later today we'll finish and he'll help drive the U-haul down to Lehi, Utah for us to stay permanently. I am still so shocked that he wouldn't give us as much of a try as I think our marriage deserved.

If you've noticed it's 3:30 in the morning- I can't sleep. Too many thoughts are running through my head. Too many emotions to sort through. I have had a lot of people reaching out to me- several I didn't expect. And some that I hoped I would never need to count on. But I am sending out a declaration to everyone- anyone reading this- that I need your help! If you're in Utah, please come see me and Serra. If nothing else, it will give me a reason to shower and get through the day. If you don't live in Utah, give me a call- I'm completely open this time and in need of as much love and support as you can throw at me! My entire life has been turned upside down- I can't even fully explain the depths of sorrow I feel. I'm worried about Serra and all the impacts this will have on her- and my unborn baby. Serra is such a sensitive little girl- every time she's seen me crying she wants to give me a hug, says she's sorry and that I'll be okay. I just don't know if her apologies are generic or if she believes she's the reason I'm crying.

I'm scared to start over when everything I've been doing for years has built me up for a completely different life- a life my husband says he no longer wants. I'm worried about the impact this will have on my sister who I'll be living with- and on everyone else who'll give us aid. I'm worried about how things will play out with Ian's family- a family I've considered my own for the last several years. And I'm scared about what this will do to me. When each of my parents died, I closed off a part of myself and didn't let as many people in to my heart. I don't want to become a bitter old woman with a rough life.

It's just not fair that we can feel so differently about "us". Even with how much he has hurt me, I'm still in love with him- and he supposedly has no feelings for me anymore. Not even enough to shed a tear while packing up everything. Not even enough to say he's sorry for what he's doing to me- and our children. It's like Ian is gone and an uncaring, unfeeling monster has taken over his place. Everyone is telling me that I'll be okay- eventually, maybe I'll meet someone else- someone better. I don't even know how to respond to that. I chose Ian for a reason- I thought it was because we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, not because I needed to learn a tough lesson.

I'm trying so hard not to look down on myself. Not to wonder what I did wrong- or what's wrong with me. But it's hard when he's telling me he doesn't love me anymore and clearly doesn't care about any of this. The truth is, I do blame myself- for not loving him as much as he needed me to. For not showing more of an interest in his interests. For not working harder to look and be better. For not being a better wife- and mother. I want so badly for all of this to go away- but it's never going to. I'm wandering all alone through my own personal hell and can't find the exit.

Today is a busy day. I hope that I can hold out- that I can be strong for Serra. Now I just need someone to be strong for me.

9 comments:

ME said...

i'm sorry everything has turned out the way it has. i know we haven't seen each other or have had a real conversation in a long time, but i just had to write you something
your friends and family love you, so i don't think you should feel bad about relying on them.
i hope for the best, for you and the two little ones. there's not much i can do from the other side of the world, but if there ever is, let me know!
love and support from japan!!!

Steve, Crystal, Cohen & Carson said...

To be honest Kristen I don't know what to say. I have thought of a million things to say but I don't know what you need to hear right now. We are praying for you and to be honest you are our family too. I will always see you as my cousin- you are an amazing person. You are kind and giving and so thoughtful- and Kristen you are beautiful inside and out. What an amazing mother you are! You must be tough because Heavenly Father has allowed you to have a lot of challenges in life, but your closeness to him is what is going to make you stronger. Your faith is a testimony to me! I am sorry you are living the consequences of Ian's actions-I just hope he will help you provide for your two beautiful children. My mom and I will see you soon- we will always be here for you- call if you need anything! 801-282-2457

Megan said...

Kristen I love you. I want to ditto the previous comment and just let you know that I want to be there for you, Serra, coming baby, and even Paige. I want to be a shoulder to cry on and I want your heart to be softened, not hardened. It'll hurt, as you know, but you CAN make it through.

Amy said...

You are my sister, and you know I love you. I am so sorry about all of this.

I love you!

Denise said...

Kristen,
I'm so sorry. Please know that you have us to lean on. You are a very important part of our family and I wouldn't want that to change. I'll call you tomorrow to see what you might need. Most importantly, right now, put yourself first. We love you!!!

Chili and the Bear said...

Kristen,

First off, both Michelle and I feel awful for the way things have turned out. I want you to know that we are here to support you in whatever way you need. You can call us at 406-498-7133 (mine) and 406-498-7146 (Michelle's) any time. We actually spend a lot of time in Lehi because that's where Michelle's grandma lives. We'll definitely come by and see you and Paige.
Secondly, I want you to know that this had absolutely NOTHING to do with you. This is a choice that Ian has made and is not because of any supposed shortcomings on your part. His personal choices have taken him down a path that led him away from you and his family. Accountability is personal and his alone. You were not at fault in this and cannot be blamed.
We love you and hope for the best for you and your little family. Call us if you want, at least text us your phone number, so we can call you when we come to visit.

Love,

Barrett and Michelle

Love, The Riemans said...

Kris,

My heart goes out to you--I haven't been on my blog in a long time, and tonight I felt like I wanted to call someone, but I didn't know who--I was lead to my blog where I read this post. I am so sorry. My best friend in high school went thru this about a year ago, and talked to me a lot. I don't know if you would even want to talk to me about it, but I love you and you can--please call. I don't know how to get in touch with you tonight --my cell is 706-315-2366. For now, right here--from my experience with my best friend I mentioned--here's what I want to tell you. You wrote at one point that you thought you married him because you loved each other, not because you needed to learn a tough lesson--that's not the way Kris--this is not about a tough lesson you need to learn. And for that matter, it's not about you not working hard enough to be a better wife, or to look better, or even to show him more love--you marrying him was because you were in love and he loved you and you know that. This happened because HE didn't keep up with his side--did he try to be a better husband? Did he try to look good for you? Did he show interest in you? There is no reason to blame yourself. You aren't the one who wanted this, and that alone shows this mess isn't because of you. You're an amazing mom and there are people out there that recognize that. Take this time to develop yourself, spiritually, mentally, physically--don't blame yourself. This is going to be hard--because it's different and unexpected, but not because you're alone--you're not. Aside from others, I know of a certain 3 "buttercup gang" members who love you. As hard as it will be, keep looking forward--not behind you. Don't think about what you could have done different, think about what you can do to make Serra and baby the best they will possibly ever be. I feel strongly about this.
I'm sorry this is so long--I wish I knew how to contact you via phone. Love, amber.

Love, The Riemans said...

And one more thing--I just re-read the last sentence you wrote. Don't forget the one who can always be strong for each of us. Heavenly Father loves you and I know that he can always be strong for us when we need it. If you haven't before, now is the time to read, read, and read. Turn to him for comfort, love, and guidance, and He will protect you from the evil thoughts. He will always be strong for you. It may be hard, but at times like this, it's so important to draw towards him, and not away from him. I know you know this, but sometimes reminders are good--at least, I know I need them occasionally.

Kim said...

just thinking about you today, and missing you and Serra at play group. I know Joan called you yesterday, and I just wanted you to know that you are in our thoughts too.

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