Updates

Well, I had an appointment today that was supposed to be my ultrasound, but because of some scheduling conflicts it's been postponed until February 9th. :( Oh well- I'll find out eventually what I'm having! But everything else is going just fine as planned and that baby seems perfectly healthy, so that's good.

Also, next month's fun things are: Dental Month [which is funny because I already had a dentist's appointment planned], Embroidery Month and Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month. Kind of some fun stuff this time around- hope you all had a great January, and I'm looking forward to a better February!

Christmas & Other Photos

Well, I finally did it- I went through all the pictures on my camera from over the last two months. Here are my favorites.

We bought a potty for Serra- haven't used it yet, but here she is playing with it with her baby doll.

Here are the adult stockings [R to L: Ian, Kristen, Brandon, Christina, Sommer]


Here are the kids' stockings [L to R: Timothy, Serra]

Serra loves to play Playstation games with Ian- she isn't completely naked, Ian's hand and controller are covering her diaper.


Serra LOVES to put on her Mrs. Potato Head glasses.


Here's Serra standing completely still during her first dance recital. Yeah, did that the whole time.


Serra checking herself out in the mirror before her dance recital.


Serra's dance outfit.


A back shot to see her cute hair I did.


Christmas Eve beverages- Miner wassail and no-egg egg nog.


Christmas Eve dinner- ham, twice baked potatoes and salads.

The tree with ALL of the presents.


Christmas Eve PJs- Christina & Brandon.

Christmas Eve PJs- Sommerlynn & Timothy.

Our Christmas Eve PJs.

Santa's gifts for Serra & Timothy.


Checking out Serra's stocking.


Serra's new Care Bear from Santa.


Christmas Breakfast- eggs, hash brown patties, sausages, bacon, cinnamon rolls, juice, milk and hot chocolate! Whew!

Brandon & Christina made these special BLTs for us.

Sommerlynn made this really cheesy/meaty lasagna for us.

Here's my new haircut- right after getting it done- too bad I didn't get a facial and some makeup applications done! Oh well.

Serra being her typical silly self.

This Month

Now that it's halfway through the month I realized I hadn't said what's special about this month! I missed the Festival of Sleep Day which was on the 3rd- have to admit, I haven't really been sleeping much or well for the last couple of weeks, so it wouldn't have helped! Hugging Day is on the 21st- so hug someone special. And this whole month is Diet Month, Volunteer Blood Donor Month and Eye Health Care Month.

Sometime when I feel like weeding through all of my pictures, I'll post stuff from Christmas. I just haven't felt like going there yet... today hasn't been one of my better days. But I'm getting the hang of things- a bad day is usually followed by a couple of good ones!

It's Done

It seems like every time I think everything is going to be okay, I get slapped across the face. I took Serra to her dance class and arrived home to the realization of the nightmare I've been living- and apparently avoiding. Ian told me he is done, he doesn't have any feelings for my anymore- that he doesn't want me to talk him back into it again. What could I say? I couldn't try talking to him about it because I would be "taking him back into it". The truth of the matter is that Ian let himself "fall out of love" with me, if you will- there is another woman. So last night after he delivered the news, he helped put Serra to bed for the last time and we started packing up all of my belongings- and Serra's. Later today we'll finish and he'll help drive the U-haul down to Lehi, Utah for us to stay permanently. I am still so shocked that he wouldn't give us as much of a try as I think our marriage deserved.

If you've noticed it's 3:30 in the morning- I can't sleep. Too many thoughts are running through my head. Too many emotions to sort through. I have had a lot of people reaching out to me- several I didn't expect. And some that I hoped I would never need to count on. But I am sending out a declaration to everyone- anyone reading this- that I need your help! If you're in Utah, please come see me and Serra. If nothing else, it will give me a reason to shower and get through the day. If you don't live in Utah, give me a call- I'm completely open this time and in need of as much love and support as you can throw at me! My entire life has been turned upside down- I can't even fully explain the depths of sorrow I feel. I'm worried about Serra and all the impacts this will have on her- and my unborn baby. Serra is such a sensitive little girl- every time she's seen me crying she wants to give me a hug, says she's sorry and that I'll be okay. I just don't know if her apologies are generic or if she believes she's the reason I'm crying.

I'm scared to start over when everything I've been doing for years has built me up for a completely different life- a life my husband says he no longer wants. I'm worried about the impact this will have on my sister who I'll be living with- and on everyone else who'll give us aid. I'm worried about how things will play out with Ian's family- a family I've considered my own for the last several years. And I'm scared about what this will do to me. When each of my parents died, I closed off a part of myself and didn't let as many people in to my heart. I don't want to become a bitter old woman with a rough life.

It's just not fair that we can feel so differently about "us". Even with how much he has hurt me, I'm still in love with him- and he supposedly has no feelings for me anymore. Not even enough to shed a tear while packing up everything. Not even enough to say he's sorry for what he's doing to me- and our children. It's like Ian is gone and an uncaring, unfeeling monster has taken over his place. Everyone is telling me that I'll be okay- eventually, maybe I'll meet someone else- someone better. I don't even know how to respond to that. I chose Ian for a reason- I thought it was because we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, not because I needed to learn a tough lesson.

I'm trying so hard not to look down on myself. Not to wonder what I did wrong- or what's wrong with me. But it's hard when he's telling me he doesn't love me anymore and clearly doesn't care about any of this. The truth is, I do blame myself- for not loving him as much as he needed me to. For not showing more of an interest in his interests. For not working harder to look and be better. For not being a better wife- and mother. I want so badly for all of this to go away- but it's never going to. I'm wandering all alone through my own personal hell and can't find the exit.

Today is a busy day. I hope that I can hold out- that I can be strong for Serra. Now I just need someone to be strong for me.

We're Home

Serra and I have come home and things seem to be going well, but obviously it's still a bit of a roller-coaster ride! Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one wanting to fix this, but I know Ian's just going through a lot and there's only so many ways I can help him! I'm trying to stay focused on getting Serra out of her holiday habits- watching movies too much, eating too many sweets, and basically getting whatever she wants! It's time to go back to "normal"- if there is such a thing.

Individually, I'm doing good- I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It never ceases to amaze me how the Spirit guides me along- especially when I don't feel like I deserve it. I've learned to trust my feelings more and to more carefully think things through before I speak or act. I also had a doctor's appointment yesterday and everything is going well with the pregnancy- he said it was a "perfect pregnancy" because the baby feels as big as it should be, its heartbeat is where it should be, my blood pressure and other vitals are where they should be, I've gained only the weight I should have gained so far, and I appear to be right on track with my original due date- June 17th. My next appointment is the ultrasound- it'll be on February 2nd!

UPDATE

I am sorry to those of you who have been trying to get a hold of me on my phone, but I am not answering- for obvious reasons, I think. But I greatly appreciate the love and support. I am in a state of shock and confusion today. Ian called last night saying he had thought it over and he missed us so much that he wanted to give it another try. My heart leapt and then it crashed again- we're obviously going to have a trust issue for a while. After a lot of prayer- and priesthood blessings- I've felt pressed upon that I need to forgive him, that I should return. Just not right now.

So I've set a tentative date for later this week to return to Idaho and stay with a friend while doing a "trial run" with Ian again. We'll see if the Lord agrees with my decision or if I need to push it back farther. I have been extremely comforted by His overwhelming love- I've felt the evidence of it in my heart, enveloping my soul, and through friends and family around me. Everyone has been amazing- doing anything I ask, no matter how big or small, to make things a little smoother for me.

In my prayers and priesthood blessings I have been told that everything happens for a reason- even things like this. I very strongly agree- I only hope that it means Ian and I can work things out and be happier, better people because of it. But if it turns out the other way, I know that I'll be okay- because I have not been forgotten. Last night I felt like no one loved me because my husband supposedly didn't love me. But I have been shown over and over that it's not true- I'm surrounded by love. And even if I wasn't, I have my Father in Heaven's love- and my Savior's love.

Through everything I have been through in my life, both past and present, I sometimes forget that there is someone who knows EXACTLY what I'm going through- He suffered through it for me, and He suffers through it with me now. I ask again for your prayers- this time not only for my family members individually, but as a whole. I ask for prayers on our behalf so that we might all know what the Lord wants us to do- that we can do everything on our part to repair what needs repairing, and to forget what needs to be forgotten.

Serra has been great through all of this- I know she can sense that something is wrong, and she notices that Daddy isn't with us. But we've stayed with Aunt Paige without him before, so she might think it's just another vacation. She is such a good girl- and I love her with all my heart! Because of her, I am able to smile- I have at least something to look forward to in the future, just by being her mother. I also felt a definite kick from the baby yesterday- something Serra never did [she just turned and rotated, she never actually kicked out]. I'm so excited to find out what gender the baby is in a couple of weeks! I'll make sure to spread the word and share updates as needed.

Feel free to leave comments, send emails, or leave voice messages- I will get back to you as soon as I'm able.