Saturday, August 22, 2009

Feeling the Blues

I guess you sow what you reap. I love Idaho so far and the people I've met, but I've had a hard time trying to feel like I'm making new lasting relationships because none of my other ones have lasted. Some of them I can look back and say I did something wrong, but honestly for most of them I have no idea what happened. I thought it was just life- you grow up and move away, you have a family of your own and you lose touch. But through the last couple of years I've learned that I'm apparently the only one!

I'm barely on talking basis [if you count leaving occasional comments on each others' blogs] with my best friend since we were 4. I'm "friends" on Facebook and that's about it with my best friend since we were 6. I got a baby announcement card in the mail with no note and only a 1 paragraph email prior notice of her even being pregnant from my best friend since we were 12. My other best friend since I was about 14 and she was 13, we comment on each others' blogs and used to have the occasional phone call, but hey- she has 4 kids and has lived in a different state than me for the last 9 years! My high school friends haven't really talked to me since high school. My college friends are the same way. The women I knew in the ward we lived in for 3 years in Orem- I left when I was pregnant with Serra- barely remember me when I last went to visit. Now I've left other friends in Lehi and I can already see those friendships fading. So part of me wants to say, "what's the point?"

Ian and I used to laugh about how everywhere we went if we sat down first, no one would ever sit near us- at school, church, restaurants, etc. But now I almost wonder... do people sense something about me? I know I've kept a little distance because of losing people in my life, but I feel like once I've opened up to someone I let them see the real me. Maybe I'm still holding something back though- maybe I view every friendship as temporary and so that's why that's all it ever is. Perhaps I'll never know. So to those of you reading this who used to be a close friend of mine and we've sort of lost contact, I'm sorry- whether it was my "fault" or not. I consider myself lucky for at least being able to find new friends in each new season of my life- even if I wasn't able to keep those same friends for as long as I might have liked.


Megan said...

Kristen. I love you. And while this post is a little sad, I understand you completely. I'm the same way(which is not so good for our friendship, huh?). I know where everyone is that I care about and would ever try to reconnect with, but I'm not that good at it. Oliver and I are recluses, homebodys. While we are still friends with Amber & Brian, its hard since we live across the country from each other. Once they moved away, our social lives became null and void. :) I try. But its hard. Don't apologize. It's my fault too. How about I try harder? I'll call you. Keep smiling!

Amy said...

Oh, I am so right there with you. It is so hard to keep in touch with people when they are not there all the time. Even after our ward split, people I used to hang out with all the time vanished into their own lives.
I don't think anyone senses anything about you. We just have to be the ones to say hi first, or we'll just all be waiting around for someone else to do it first and everyone will be lonely. I know that friendships don't always stay close friendships, but it is still so important to have friends that you can talk to where you currently are.
Hang in there, I love you!!!

ME said...

high school friend here.. ;)
it is strange, i just wrote an entry in my blog about essentially the same thing. living in japan, it is hard to be friends with japanese people since they have no idea what life is like in america and we don't have much in common in our childhood (tv shows,music, games, etc) and i have no american friends because they eventually move back to america and i already have too many people i miss there...
my american friends have their own lives, which mankes me happy, they shouldn't be sad about me not being there, and we all get caught up in everyday life and we start asking ourselves, is this worth writing an e-mail about? and it kinda goes downhill from there.
but nothing makes me happier than thinking back and reliving our fun times in my head, and hoping you still think of me out of blue and smile
although i might not be an active/visible part of your life now, i'm still here (stalking you online) thanks for saying hi to me in the hallway between biology and math class all those years ago!!

Love, The Riemans said...

Me too, I love you too girl. I was going through freshman/sophomore pics the other day and remembering how much fun we had--I remember staying up late one night with Sharla and Megan waiting for you to come home from your date with Ben--and I remember all the freshmen memories, especially of our Buttercup group. I'm sorry we haven't kept in touch...when I think about it, Brian and I never really even got to know Ian when we were all in Provo, and I'm sure that's a big part of why we don't touch base more often, but I can say one thing for sure--when you comment and read my blogs, it means a lot--and that's because I do still consider you a good friend. And I always read your blogs too!

Michelle said...

Those dang kids always in the way!! lol!! I do think about you daily..I too am on the same page with problem is when they see the real me(4 crazy kids) people tend to! Maybe I should move out to Idaho and then we can hang out everyday like we used to...maybe find trouble to get into again! Oh and darn technology! I mean seriously if we did not have blogs and facebooks and twitters and my spaces etc to keep in touch I would definitly write or call more often! I would say I would call now but these dang kids I mean who do they think I am their mother?! Hope to be more in contact soon!

Kristen said...

Thanks for the comments! I don't feel so bad after hearing everyone else say they are in the same boat. I guess it's just an illusion that everyone else keeps up their friendships better/longer than I do! Thanks for being my friends!